This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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