Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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