i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
