If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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