Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
