i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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