My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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