I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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