I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
