You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
