I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Are we still banned from the library?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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