You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
