We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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