I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
