So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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