Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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