I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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