Will you blow on my dice?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
