I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
