I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
