He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
