I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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