your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
