Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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