we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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