you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize