She said her name was "party"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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