I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm always down for nudity.
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