"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
