Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
