apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize