dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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