Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
