every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Success! We fucked roommates!
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