I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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