Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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