I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
