I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
