I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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