i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
