The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
