Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
