When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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