There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She's the barista slut.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
