I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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