i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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