if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
