im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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