but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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