Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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