Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
