His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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