you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
