Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
