ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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