help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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