i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize