well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
