i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
