Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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