The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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